I decided that Jay Leno needs all the help he can get so I wrote up a few jokes from the news. The first jokes in this Joke for Jay Leno Series are Police Jokes.
TASER Joke
TASER?, the stun gun people, sponsored research at the Cleveland Clinic. Pigs were better able to resist a stun gun attack if they were first injected with COCAINE.
Here?s a warning to crooks: In case the police subdue you with a stun gun, shoot up before you go to work!
END
Capital Police Joke
Forget the Marriage Amendment, President Bush. Forget the Torture Amendment, Senator McCain. Forget Campaign Reform Legislation, Congress. Forget overturning Roe vs. Wade, Pat Robertson. Forget all that stuff. Scrap it. We need to come together and focus on one thing and one thing only: passing an amendment to the Constitution making the Alternating Traffic Merge the law of the land. The time is now before this menace to our liberty dents another fender.
When you?re writing an article, and you?re not sure how to begin, it usually helps to start by talking about how you were assigned the article.
Take this one, for example. I?m only doing this because Morris said ?Please write something humorous.? Of course, I was more than happy to try ? but what did he want me to write about? ?Anything.?
It was about four in the morning, the usual time for me to wake up with an idea, a solution, a question, or some gas. But this was no ordinary wake up call. I was contacted by the big guy himself. At least I think I was. You see, I have been mulling over this whole Intelligent Design stuff for a year now. And finally, I got my answer but I never expected to get it from the Designer?s mouth.
Here is the transcript of our conversation as best I can recall.
?Hey Crane wake up.?
You know you’re depressed when:
Used to be you could count on the information you picked up, say in a bar, or listening to other people’s conversations at work, or on the bus or subway. Frankly, I think someone who’s been drinking all day in a bar is as likely to tell you the truth as anyone ? although ? could be not everyone agrees with that assessment. So, for argument’s sake, let’s say there could be better sources for important data.
The prolific King of the Keyboard has been writing articles for publication in Ezine @rticles? for a relatively short 18 months. Let?s see, that?s 18 times approximately 30 days in a month … um … carry the 3 … um … about 540 days. And what has the Lance Meister done in that period of time. Oh, he?s just submitted?and this is tricky because as I?m writing the count could go up by thirty or so?6200 articles. That?s all I?m talking about?6200 articles! Back to the math: 6200 divided by 540 … um … drop the 0 … bring down the 8 … looks like a whopping 11.5 articles a day, every day, for a year and a half.
Let me start by saying that ?I am an American? Ok, there I have admitted it. But let me go on to make myself slightly more unpopular by suggesting that our American society does present us with a range of valuable and positive aspects. (no ? I am not being ironic yet) Before you stop reading, let me counter that by suggesting what I see as the greatest fault of our modern society. A self absorbed US-centric attitude? A destructive ill conceived foreign policy that is destroying our reputation across the globe? No, neither of these. In my opinion the greatest tragedy is the lack of widespread irony in our daily lives and conversations.
Why is it that every time I go to the grocery store I get in line behind this rather large woman with four small kids and two buggies of groceries and a clenched fistful of coupons? And why is it that half of the things she’s buying require a price check? This happens to me all the time and I swear it’s always the same woman. I just thank God that the grocery store had the foresight to put all the tabloids there for me to read while I’m waiting. I guess I should thank that woman, too. If it wasn’t for her I’d have no idea what was happening in the world.
Hello. Is the doctor in?
I’ll be with you as soon as I finish filling in these forms.
But I really need to see a doctor.
There, now what can I do fo ? EEEEEK! You…you….you’re a grizzly bear.
Yes, ma’am. Can I see the doctor, please?
Wh…why would you want to see the doctor? He doesn’t usually see grizzly bears, you know.
Some movie actor thought he’d be a real smarty and kiss me.
Oh, oh, I saw that on TV. That was Brad Pitt. You’re the Brad Pitt Bear.